How Technotardy Am I?

Look, I'm no Luddite. I enjoy the basic creature comforts that technology has come to provide but I've always been a little suspicious of electronics. I'm always the last person to get the latest technotoy. So I don't have a Crackberry, I don't have an iPod, I don't even own a DVD player unless you count my laptop. Heck I didn't get a serious computer until about 2002 and I didn't break down and get a digitial camera until about a year ago. I never really learned how to use all the fancy features on either of those.

So I have this stove with a digital clock and timer on it. It's also self-cleaning. Since I never really cook, I don't know how to use anything but the burners and I've learned how to reset the clock after our frequent power outages here. Now the thing is, every once in a while, the built in timer has this little nervous breakdown and starts urgently beeping. The display shows some code that means nothing to me, but if I punch some buttons, it usually settles down. Sometimes I have to do it two or three times to get it to stop. But it always stops when I hit the right combo of choices -- which I never remember.

It started beeping today and nothing fixed it. All day long at oddly regular intervals it would beep once. No matter what combination of fiddling with features, could I get it to stop. I was thinking as I finally headed out to the grocery store, that I wasn't going to be able to sleep unless I put an end to that relentless beeping. I wondered how difficult it would be to pull the plug on the whole damn stove...

So I stop at the convenience store on my way out to get a lottery ticket and I hear the same beep. I thought it was the cash register. Then I'm in aisle four at the grocery store and I hear it again and finally realize it's coming from the bottom of my bag. It's my farookin cell phone. It's telling me I have a missed call. I didn't recognize the number and I couldn't figure out how to call from that screen. But I did push enough buttons to stop the noise.

Now that phone number is stuck in that little cell phone limbo. I will never be able to find again until I miss another call. This is how technolazy I am. I've had this phone for months and not only do I apparently occassionally inadvertently turn the ringer off, I still don't know how to use it. I don't know how to change screens or speed dial or even take pictures. Hell, I only have about a 90% success rate in actually making phone calls. Every once in a while I hit the wrong button.

It's not like I'm too dumb to learn, I'm just not motivated to try. Besides, I don't really need to. After almost two decades of relentless phone contact, I'm in a place in life that is blessedly free of phone calls. Sometimes that feels a litle lonely, but most of time, I'm kind of liking the quiet.